He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
