then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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