The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
