woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
