Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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