I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
