I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
