what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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