before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
