True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
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it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
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Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
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We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.