Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
