i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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