Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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