Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
