I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
