I queefed so loud it echoed.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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