Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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