Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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