Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
