wanna go halves on a baby?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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