I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
