If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize