i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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