it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
All I want is dick and wine.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
