Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
