last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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