Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
