his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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