On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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