if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
