Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
