the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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