i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
