U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
