Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
