i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you had me at cake vodka
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
