Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You're like the curious george of whores
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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