FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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