I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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