Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
