2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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