My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
