I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
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Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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