I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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