Operation Purity has been aborted
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
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Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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