then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
