First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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