Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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