she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I cut my penus on the lid.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
false alarm, still single
Randomize
