That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
