Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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