you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
