new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
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We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
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Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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